[catsfuzz]

Cats, you STILL have no paragraphs. Until you do, I am not going to read any of it.

That's how I LEARNED to write my dialogue. I am sorry if I learned incorrectly.

EDIT: In Microsoft Word the paragraphs are a lot bigger. The space here is smaller and more spread out. Take that into consideration.

I can PM you the file if you want.

[catsfuzz]

Hmmm, interesting plot. Kind of creepy and suspenseful, but not suspenseful enough. Try to slow down the pace of the story a bit more, describe the scenery. It almost seems like you're trying to write a short story. Also, do not double space each sentence. They are not paragraphs. It is not a crime to have full, complete paragraphs. Yes, Light was correct that you need to do a lot of editing, but you shouldn't stop. This actually sounds interesting.

Sorry I didn't catch this sooner. The first bit of the story had to fit in 13 pages so I did a to be continued thing. We wrote stories that are going to be published into a hardcover copy that we can have. It's pretty nice. We got to design the cover art too!

Also thanks, and sorry for double posting.

[dragoncrystal24]

Cats, you STILL have no paragraphs. Until you do, I am not going to read any of it.

That's how I LEARNED to write my dialogue. I am sorry if I learned incorrectly.

EDIT: In Microsoft Word the paragraphs are a lot bigger. The space here is smaller and more spread out. Take that into consideration.

I can PM you the file if you want.

It's not the duologue. The duologue is fine. But everything else. Any paragraphs you supposedly have are less than 4 sentences long.

[Cheez99]

http://fanfic.theforce.net/articles.asp ... view&ID=38

Da da da daaaaaaaaaa.

Also a paragraph is five sentences or longer. Or four if you're a sissy.

[Lightbulbs]

I think the most hilarious thing is the bullshit contrived dialogue used to pad this out. The high point of this is when you went "I screamed "There's ghasts over there!" as ghasts appeared over there!"
This will be the new My Immortal. Panthers is already reading this in vent as a way to troll me.

[catsfuzz]

http://fanfic.theforce.net/articles.asp ... view&ID=38

Thanks! This will really help me in my future chapters/stories. I appreciate all your help guys! Thanks!

[Wxclm]

It was ok, but nothing compared to Panthers' novel

[mastertegm]

It was dark enough that mobs could spawn now. In the distance I saw a skeleton shooting arrows at a pig. I saw a zombie aimlessly walking around.

Then I saw what everyone dreads, a creeper. Its small green body was walking dangerously close to me. Thankfully the MineCart was speeding along so the creeper couldn’t do any damage.

One thing that I've found really, really improves writing is painting a picture in the person reading its head rather than saying everything in a very straight forward way. These are just two examples, but I found this a lot in your writing.

“Good,” he looked at the shiny navy-blue ore, “Ralph, tie him up!”

The first man began constructing the portal and the other man ran towards me. I sidestepped and shoved Ralph back towards the portal. It had just lit. He flew through it and screamed. The first man turned towards me and had a demonic glare on his face.

“Good,” he looked at the shiny navy-blue ore, “Ralph, tie him up!”

The first man began constructing the portal and the other man ran towards me. I sidestepped and shoved Ralph back towards the portal. It had just lit. He flew through it and screamed. The first man turned towards me and had a demonic glare on his face.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” he shouted as he lunged at me. “That was my brother you killed!” Again, I sidestepped and pushed him to the side.

Also, very literal. And a bit too fast paced. I feel like that this was an attempt at some sort of an action scene, but it didn't really work.

For the most part, it's pretty good. Keep working at it though, there's a lot you can change.

[catsfuzz]

It was dark enough that mobs could spawn now. In the distance I saw a skeleton shooting arrows at a pig. I saw a zombie aimlessly walking around.

Then I saw what everyone dreads, a creeper. Its small green body was walking dangerously close to me. Thankfully the MineCart was speeding along so the creeper couldn’t do any damage.

One thing that I've found really, really improves writing is painting a picture in the person reading its head rather than saying everything in a very straight forward way. These are just two examples, but I found this a lot in your writing.

“Good,” he looked at the shiny navy-blue ore, “Ralph, tie him up!”

The first man began constructing the portal and the other man ran towards me. I sidestepped and shoved Ralph back towards the portal. It had just lit. He flew through it and screamed. The first man turned towards me and had a demonic glare on his face.

“Good,” he looked at the shiny navy-blue ore, “Ralph, tie him up!”

The first man began constructing the portal and the other man ran towards me. I sidestepped and shoved Ralph back towards the portal. It had just lit. He flew through it and screamed. The first man turned towards me and had a demonic glare on his face.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” he shouted as he lunged at me. “That was my brother you killed!” Again, I sidestepped and pushed him to the side.

Also, very literal. And a bit too fast paced. I feel like that this was an attempt at some sort of an action scene, but it didn't really work.

For the most part, it's pretty good. Keep working at it though, there's a lot you can change.

Thanks! All of this really helps!

I have trouble with getting to fast paced but I do try to slow it down a bit. I will work harder though.