- Tue May 31, 2011 7:09 pm
#15037
That was...pretty bad. Sentences were too short, with no paragraphs in sight. It feels like you only have a skeleton of a story in place. The ending was rushed and rather poorly written. The government in the story is the cliche, totalitarian, "unfair" government seen in all manner of fanfiction and movies. The protagonist even comes off as a bit of a Mary Sue, as he seems to be the only one that thinks or opposes the government. Everyone else are sheep except for him. I couldn't tell what meaning of robot you were using until halfway through the story. That alone does not a Mary Sue make, but I'm just calling it as I see it. Also, the whole "that was my brother" thing at the end? No. Just...no. It's a horrible twist - if it can be called that - just thrown in there with no build up at all.
I suggest fleshing out everything more. The government first: why is it so strict? How do other people in the city feel about it? I noticed the robots, but certainly the protagonist isn't the only live worker there or else he would have noticed. Has the government always been like this, and for how long? What is the ruler's name and what is he/she like? Is there any sort of resistance?
As for the protagonist, what is his relationship with the city? And not just "he lives and works there." What about his family and friends. Does he have any? What happened to them? Where are they? What is a day in his life like? Give him more facets, more emotions other than "snarky attitude towards the government." If he is the only human in the city, which is what it seems like so far, he needs to contrast emotionally with the robots. He needs to have depth of character where they, as machines, don't.
I suggest fleshing out everything more. The government first: why is it so strict? How do other people in the city feel about it? I noticed the robots, but certainly the protagonist isn't the only live worker there or else he would have noticed. Has the government always been like this, and for how long? What is the ruler's name and what is he/she like? Is there any sort of resistance?
As for the protagonist, what is his relationship with the city? And not just "he lives and works there." What about his family and friends. Does he have any? What happened to them? Where are they? What is a day in his life like? Give him more facets, more emotions other than "snarky attitude towards the government." If he is the only human in the city, which is what it seems like so far, he needs to contrast emotionally with the robots. He needs to have depth of character where they, as machines, don't.
