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So, I figured that we've needed one of these for a while. Just don't post anything offensive. Also, this thread is for jokes, NOT MEMES OR FUNNY VIDEOS.

That said, I'll start it off.

A certain symphony had a very irritable conductor. One day, in rehearsal, he told all the orchestra to stop playing, but a certain violinist continued a few bars before stopping. The conductor was furious. The violinist tried to apologize, but before he could say more than an "I'm sorry, sir, I--" the conductor threw his baton right at the violinist's heart and caused him to have heart failure.

The conductor was tried, convicted, and sentenced to the electric chair. When he arrived there, the operator asked for his final request. "A bunch of bananas," was the conductor's reply. The operator gave him the bananas, and turned on the electric chair. Nothing happened.

The state was bewildered. There was no precedent for this. What could they do? They let him go.

A few months later, the conductor asked the orchestra to stop. A certain flutist was a bit too slow. He died. The conductor was tried, convicted, and sentenced again. His last request? A bunch of bananas. The operator turned on the electric chair. Once again, the conductor lived, and was freed again.

One day, the conductor stopped the orchestra (you'd think they would've done something by now!). A certain violist didn't, and his terrified apology was no more successful than the previous two. The conductor was once again convicted of murder.

"What's your last request?"

"A bunch of bananas."

But the operator had a suspicion, and this time, no fruit was provided. The conductor sat down in the electric chair. The operator flipped the switch.

Nothing happened.

"What is it that you do?" the operator asked. "How do you survive?"

"I don't know, sir," the man replied. "I'm just a poor conductor."

~dlgn

p.s. Credit for the joke goes to the amazing conductor emeritus of my orchestra, one Mr. Lajos Balogh.

a man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

at 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"good," she replied. "get your own freaking blanket."

after a moment of silence, he farted.

Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip. They pitch their tent, make a campfire, roast marshmallows, the works. They have a great time then go to sleep.
At some point in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up. He nudges Watson awake and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"
Watson replies that he sees countless stars, each with the potential to hold other worlds, each of which in turn could hold life. He waxes on eloquently like this for some time before Holmes interrupts him.
"No, you idiot! Someone's stolen our tent!"

Hey.. You like fish sticks?

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.
Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first asks the bartender for some H2O. The second says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second chemist died.

I wonder what it would be like to touch a surface with a frictional co-efficient of 0. Oh wait, I can't!

Three guys stand in line waiting to take the final test the CIA has for them. The instructor comes up and says "okay now for the final test" then turns and points to three doors. "In there are your wives, and we want you to kill them" he states, then hands the first guy a gun and escorts him to the room with his wife. Its all quite then he and his wife comes out a crying. So the second guy goes into the room with the gun at hand. Minutes pass, and they come out a crying "oh I can't do that, I love my wife to much" he says. So now its the third guys turn. He takes the gun and goes in there. Few seconds pass, then pow pow bang bang. It goes silent, then all of a sudden the awfullest racket was made. Then silence once more. The guy walks out of there covered in blood. The instructor asks "what happened in there?" and the guy replies "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks so I had to beat her to death with the chair."

____________________________________

Billy was a chemists son, but he is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

Why did Suzy fall out of the swing?
She had no arms.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Suzy.

Next one:

One day, a man walks into a bar with a turtle. He sets the turtle, a beaten up old creature with a cracked shell and numerous bandages, on a table in the center of the room. This alone is enough to gather attention, but he loudly clears his throat just to be sure. He then begins his speech. "This here is a vintage racing turtle. It can beat any pet you have from one side of this bar to the other, and I'm confident enough to bet 100 dollars on it. Any takers? " One man replies, and they set up a race. This man goes to the other side of the bar, and is ready to call his dog as soon as the race begins. The turtle man counts down, and as he reaches the word go, picks up the turtle as tosses it to the other side of the room before the dog can run over.

Last joke:

An Irishman walks out of a bar. (Sorry if I offended you, I don't mean to cause any trouble with this joke.)

Psssst wanna hear a joke?
Spawn.